What Hurt's The Most
by IcyFireGypsy
Summary: Matt's thoughts after Mello leaves... One Shot, MattMello


Another DN One Shot... of Matt and Mello whom I Love... Read and Review Please

I dont own Death Note, Nor this song though I wish I did.

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I listen as the storm rages outside these walls, the raining hitting the roof and windows making loud noises through the silent house. I barely notice the tears falling down my face, as I rethink the last time I saw you, your back facing me as you leave yet again. Missing your voice, being, and touch to this place… I realize than I can't see what I'm doing on the small screen and pause enough to whip off the screen, and continue thinking….

_I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house__  
That don't bother me__  
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out__  
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while_

I remember hearing you tell me you were leaving; I knew the day would come, that your life would lead you in another direction, away from me. I just wasn't ready for it, something I never let you see or know. Honestly no one noticed or knew how much it hurt to watch you leave, not even I did, at least I didn't admit it to myself than. Every day I put the smile on my face, acted normal, keeping my mouth shut, keeping my feelings to myself, trying to ignore the pain in my heart. Pretending, something I was good at, you knew this, yet you noticed nothing as you turned to leave. I pretend nothing is wrong, I live my life like normal, but inside I'm crying, screaming, praying you'll come back. If not come back, at least stay alive…

_Even though going on with you gone still upsets me  
__There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok  
__But that's not what gets me_

I recalled being by your side, seeing you every day. I remember hearing your laugh, seeing your smile as we spend days and nights together. I kept everything inside to make sure nothing happened to this. I didn't want it to end, never, foolish since I knew it would one day but why make that come any sooner than it had to be. I was happy when you were around, nothing could stand in my way, and nothing could bring me down. I kept it all inside, my best friend, to never see, how much I truly cared. Others thought too far into what we had, thought what I wished would happen. But I wasn't foolish enough to think it would. Silence would keep you near, silence may keep you beside me forever, silence may keep you alive. Secretes… silence… I couldn't say what was true inside of me. I didn't know it than, at least I didn't want to know it than. I'd fall for you long ago…

_What hurts the most  
__Was being so close  
__And having so much to say__  
And watching you walk away__  
And never knowing__  
What could have been  
__And not seeing that loving you__  
Is what I was tryin' to do_

I watched you leave, I wanted to grab you and stop you, I didn't understand it than, for I didn't want to believe it, but I know now I wanted to stop you and tell you what I felt inside of my heart, keep you with me, but I knew I couldn't, I wouldn't let myself. You didn't want to hear it, not from me… not yet perhaps. I felt the stabbing pain as you drove away, wondering when I'd see you again, if you'd change, if you'd think of me like I knew I'd think of you. But I continue on every day, no one noticed as I sank into darkness, I through myself into work, I didn't want to feel the pain of when you left. Crying harder thinking of when I last held you in a hug, thinking I never wanted the warmth to leave, I wanted to keep you there forever. I wanted to feel safe, the one thing only you couldn't bring me, and I wanted to bring you. Protect you from everything. But I knew I never could. I heard the phone ring, I jumped, lost in through and a game. Placing the D.S. down I grabbed the phone, my heart beating fast hoping it was you calling. It wasn't… Why do I let myself to this, pray to hear your voice when I know the chances of you thinking of me enough to call or show up are slim to none.

_It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go__  
But I'm doin' It__  
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone  
__Still Harder_

I didn't bother answering the phone, letting it ring; I didn't need to hear how happy they were right now. I was drowning; they didn't need to tell me of their greatness. I'd hear it tomorrow when I'd see them. I'd come up with some reason not to answer tonight. I went to continue my game, seems every time I start playing now I think of you… I signed, I knew I wouldn't get much further tonight, so I got up and decided to attempt to fall asleep… three days without sleep doesn't do one good… I change, falling on my bed and lay there looking at the blank ceiling above me. I looked over to a chain hanging not far from my sight. I wish sleep would take over, at least in my dreams you were there beside me once again. I rolled to my side as I closed my eyes, listening to the rain beat against the house still. I listen to the thunder crack and the bright lights from the lightning. I wish you were there with me, falling asleep in each others arms… I think about how life would be, if we were together, telling each other our problems, working together, relaxing together… I sigh again, always what if's….

_Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret  
__But I know if I could do it over  
__I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart__  
That I left unspoken_

My alarm went off, turning it off I laid back down, no sleep again… day four… I sighed not wanting to get out of the bed, not wanting to wake up but I force myself and pulled myself out of bed, showering and getting dressed. A large part of me just wanted to lay in bed forever, dream of you in my arms, safe, happy… forever… I think back, I'd do anything to at least tell you what was in my heart. Tell you that I loved you. I'd follow you if you wanted, nothing had to change, we can just stay best friends, I just… never wanted to loss you… But I thought than those three words would drive you away faster, I feared the thought of falling for someone, and yet it happened just the same, and I didn't let myself realize until too late. I wished I could tell you, what I felt, how much it hurt to be apart from you, to see others happy and wonder and pray you were just as happy, even without me. I pretended for you, so you never would find out somehow… I never wanted to bother you with anything, more so anything I could stop.

_What hurts the most__  
Is being so close__  
And having so much to say__  
And watching you walk away__  
And never knowing__  
What could have been__  
And not seeing that loving you__  
Is what I was trying to do_

I look at the time; I still have a few hours before I need to leave. I look out the window; the rain hasn't let up much, still raining a bit… I don't remember it stopping though the night… I grab my game, knowing full well I'll think bout you when I play. Like always, wishing you were there with me, commenting on it like you always do. And again I'm right, I continue playing, beating level after level, in my mind I can hear your comments, asking why I bother playing it, why I don't let you play too… I miss hearing you voice… Maybe… just maybe if I told you what I should have when you left…. I sigh again… Why couldn't you see it… you're the only one who couldn't see what was right in front of your eyes… but I knew I didn't deserve you, that's why you didn't see it… you deserve better. I kept my mouth shut for your happiness but I know if I had the change to go back I would have been selfish for once in my life, and stopped you just long enough to beg you to stay, take me with you… to beg you to love me like I loved you. To at least tell you that I fell for your angelic self… and I don't regret it… I just miss you around, I miss telling myself above all else… I didn't love you… pretending I just cared for you as a best friend. Like I cared for anyone close to me, that this wasn't love. I knew I was lying to myself, but I didn't realize how much until you left… I didn't want to see it at all, and part of me denied it… until I watched you walk out that door…. And drive away….

_Not seeing that loving you__  
That's what I was trying to do_

I sigh yet again, I do that a lot lately, the game just isn't as interesting as normal. I turn it off and look around, stuff on the floor, computers set up randomly, just in case you need me I can help you… I get up and walk around, you didn't leave anything behind… it seemed at first. But you did, and I'm still surprised you haven't come back for it. I walk back into the bedroom again, on the wall by the bed a chain hung, one I never thought you'd forget, let alone take off. From the chain fell a cross, your cross. Perhaps that meant you would return once more. I pick it up, taking off the hook where I kept it. I bring it up to my face, still smells like you. I wonder why you always freaked when you didn't have it or lost it, so I wonder now how you're going on now without it…

That's when I heard a noise from the front room I just left, running out just in time to see the door open. My heart beating so fast and loud I'm sure everyone in the world could hear it, this time it didn't die as you walked in, first thing I notice, you did get a new one… than I noticed the blood dripping through your hand and down the left side of your face.

"Shit" I mutter under my breath running to your side, I help you sit down. "What did you get yourself into?" I ask; he just shakes his head. As I help him I think to myself, 'perhaps this time I can tell him before I watch him leave again.'

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AN- So Whatca Think?????


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